I live in a country where violence is a norm and not a perversion. We have become increasingly immune to its presence. So much, that within weeks of the Peshawar Attack that killed more than a hundred children – not only does a national leader get married, but the coverage of his marriage is shamelessly celebratory. The people who killed those children are violent, but so are the TV stations ringing wedding bells for the bride and groom within weeks of the massacre.
But violence is not limited to Taliban and their cronies. It is not even limited to TV stations. During Ramazan, as people keep rozas and suffer from ‘low sugar’ in their blood – you can see hostility and violence erupting at traffic signals. Brave men hold each other by the collar and proudly display their piety.
If anyone of you has been to Punjab University, you would know how ‘Jamiat’ holds the University hostage. Music and art? It’s haraam. Girl and boy talking to each other? It’s forbidden. Teacher being rebellious? How dare he! Real and veiled violence are systematically applied to keep everything ‘in control’. Religion is used and abused to make sure no one can challenge the authority of Jamiat. The same is true for many public sector colleges and universities. Karachi University was dominated by Jamiat as well, before MQM challenged its supremacy – that too through violence.
So one wonders, what causes all this violence? Something terrible must have happened to a person for them to resort to violence. After all, they are actively seeking ‘hate’. Who wants to be hated? At a deeper level, everyone wants love. When they don’t get it, they serve their need to be ‘seen’ through fear. If you’re not going to pay attention to me, I’m going to put a gun to your head and then you will ‘see’ me.
Children don’t cry and scream without cause. They first try to signal what they need, and when they fail to grab your attention…they resort to other methods. They would rather smile and get what they want. But when it doesn’t work, they resort to crying. They start by asking for basic things – milk from the mother, a nappy change, an itch below their ear that somebody should take care of. As they grow older, their needs grow – now they want love and attention along with food and clothes. They probably want love from day one, but they learn how to communicate this need a little later. What they get instead is ‘control’ and ‘domination’ and ‘rules’ from parents and society too busy to give them proper love and attention. A frustrated, stressed, angry society fails to raise healthy and happy children.
The Taliban, the angry man on the traffic signal, the TV station producer…they are all angry children of Pakistan who didn’t get enough love. They didn’t get enough love as children, and they’re not getting enough love now. They see the world as their enemy. Their violence towards society is a reaction to this society ‘suppressing’ their need to be seen and to be loved.
We live in a society that believes in ‘rivers of milk flowing underneath’ and ‘shady trees’ and ‘loving soul mates’ only in the afterlife. We live in a society that believes ‘abundance’ and ‘the good life’ in this world come from ‘doing bad things’.
“Oh he’s rich, what wrong thing did he do to get there?”
And if this addiction with the afterlife was not enough, we condemn happiness in most shapes and forms. Music is haraam. Dancing is evil. Your profile photo is not shariah-compliant. Facebook is a jewish conspiracy. Television shouldn’t have been invented. Women should wear black, head to toe. Or at least feel guilty about not wearing it. Boys should not talk to girls. You can’t drink beer, it’s forbidden. And no dogs in the house – they cause ‘nahoosat’. Plus beer and dog both mean you can’t pray to God.
As if all of that was not enough, we also condemn achievement. Unless of course you haven’t earned it, than we’re fine about it. So Malala and Dr. Abdus Salam are reviled in this land of the pure, but we’re sort of ok with Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari. And for every success story, we have a million stories of the person ‘doing something wrong’ to get there.
But we also hate failures, so we don’t try new things, we don’t take chances, we don’t innovate – we simply don’t make decisions. It sucks to fail in this society, and it sucks more if your succeed. So let’s be mediocre. Hoo ha!
Our society is also built around ‘conservative family values’. These values are not about integrity or fairness or honesty. They are about suppressing and controlling ‘her’. And who is her? She’s your mother, your sister, your wife, your daughter-in-law. And if you are thinking the person doing the ‘suppressing’ is a man, how wrong you are. Women in Pakistan are suppressed by both – men and women. Do you really think older sisters are less ridiculous than older brothers? Or mother-in-laws? Or mothers when they deal with their daughters? Or female colleagues in your office when they talk behind your back? Or your friends when they slut-shame you after being angry with you? Or you – how do you treat yourself?
Violence is not unnatural for a society like ours. Our society is erupting with violence because we have suppressed our art, our music, our joy, our happiness and our dreams. We have done it methodically, systematically and absolutely. And we don’t need any help – we don’t need parents or teachers or leaders or society to suppress us. We’re masochists. We’re self-censoring, self-controlling, self-inhibiting. And as we suffer internally, we go postal on the world.
If you really, truly want to change Pakistan – talk to a girl or a boy. Fall in love. Draw something. Make music. Paint the walls of Karachi with heart signs. Run. Dance. Let go.
And that’s how you fight violence – not with guns, but with love and laughter.
