Anatomy of a Desi wedding Anatomy of a Desi wedding

By Joan of Arc

Before you start reading my yet another ________ (fill only gracious adjective in the blank) write up, let me warn you this one is nothing about being “philosophical”  or thinking-out-of-the-box etc.

It is very random. It is pretty typical. It is quite debauch. So if you happen to be a part of the moral police brigade or intense reader then kindly close your window since it’s about the oldest subjects to “ponder” over among us womankind — not -so -dear -relatives. Well yeah! I am a very ordinary girl who doesn’t care about family values yada yada yada. But in my defense, this blog is ALL I have.. to vent out my vexation. Honest I mean whenever I  encounter them, they give me a very careful gaze indeed, throw some scoffing remarks, then join heads and discuss other more interesting matters.

No I am not implying to be a naïve victim who is quashed by her Cinderella’s step mother and sister- like relatives. Well certainly not after my deplorable display of relationships in the virtual world. I mean it’s been years that I have boycotted the visits and events of nominal importance. But there is not much if a choice when there is a “close” relative wedding taking place and you are required to go more than the bride herself. And similar is my situation, there is this wedding coming and I HAVE to go, there is just no room to skip it. Now if you are thinking that I am making a mountain out of the proverbial mole hole as weddings are fun and a nice medium to show off your cloths and chit chat. Then you are mistaken. Let me expound to you the variety in relatives prevalent in our society. Then decide yourself if my resistance is justifiable or not.

So here it goes…

The front sofa sitters: This group basically comprises of the most influential members of the family. Well, they can solve issues ranging from Kashmir dispute to subvert Talibinization to National Health Care Program for the US to famine across South Africa to what not. They also happy to foresee and foretell that US of A would soon invade Iran and other morbid to-happen stuff. Yeah what the think tanks can not do is done easily by them. High IQ’s , even higher egos. They are the first ones you are supposed to say your Salam to. And it doesn’t end there. It is mandatory for you to narrate all your “pragmatic” career plans and how enthusiastic you are about it. Once they are satisfied, you have to keep sitting to listen very engrossingly for their precious ideas on how-to-make-the-world-a-better-place until they are completely devoid of your existence. Then you get up quietly and move to the next one in the row.

The A graders parents: For people like me, they are the wrath of God. I as a matter of fact grew up hating them. These kinds don’t even care about exchanging pleasantries. All they want to share with you is that how well their most intelligent and bright kid has have done in his/her recent exams. How much he is expected to get a position AGAIN. Oh and by the way that kid also happens to be spectacular in extra curricular activities, s/he has won many inter school/college/university and international competitions and where s/he secured the second place well, the jury was biased there. Not only that, the kid is also very well behaved, gentle and immune to any puckishness [read: no fun, plain bore]. They have the best (?) kid in the world.

Oh and by the way whenever you visit them, they are quick to tell their bright kid to show his/her mark sheet filled with A’s and the numerous certificates they got. And the kid with a grinm come running to you with piles of paper that you are supposed to look at with you {struggling) smile and then throw a considerable amounts of flattery to show how impressed you are, after learning the innate brilliance of the kid. Subsequently, on the way back home, on every day of your results and every day of your misdeed, the A grader example is cited to insult your vanity.

Well frankly speaking, I only nod in response to the A graders’ family outrageous flaunting and leave whenever I get my golden chance.

25-years-marriage-must-syndrom people: They are mostly found in the mid table—from where the view is vivid and clear, laughing out loudly, commenting on the others, showing concern on the rate of divorce and the unmarried girls sitting at homes waiting for good proposals. If you happen to be single and have crossed the digit 18, beware you are their favorite part of the meal. They are anxious for your mother’s arrival to get to know whether you have completed your studies or how many years to go. And then accordingly they start their enlightened talk on the importance of the institution of marriage. For them maturity or qualification don’t really matter as it all up to Allah. After all they themselves got married at the age of sweet 16, and see how well they brought up their kids who are settled abroad and now they are free from any responsibility. And now their aim of life is to get every girl on this planet married before she reaches the danger age of 25. As after 25 you don’t get proposals at all. Excellent convincers they are. Your mother remains charmed for days afterwards. And you in severe neurotic disorder.

The curious case of snoopy mothers and sisters: Well if you happen to be an only child or daughter or from a rather well off family then you are in big trouble. They are hunting for thou. No you can’t avoid them. They are going to get you anyways. They will welcome you wholeheartedly, ask you questions in a very friendly manner, of which they already had answers provided by their “network.” And right after in their same gracious expression they don’t hesitate to divulge about their son/brother who is a “has-been-A-grader” (explicated earlier) and presently working in a multinational company is single and ready to mingle. Your mother who had freshly learned the 25-years-marriage-must doctrine becomes more engaged in the conversation. And you with your head bent, trying to stop yourself turning all red, pray for a 0.1 Richter scale earth quake!

Ruffled relatives: You are only supposed to listen in their company. They are not happy people. They like to reside in the state of vexation for various reasons. For instance, if they are not called for getting pictured and videoed with the bride, if they were informed late about the wedding, if they were not sought for  advice regarding wedding chores, if they weren’t granted the amount of respect they deserved in the wedding and you can imagine the rest.

They will vent out all the vexation of the hosts on you. And expect you to nod and say that they are right on their part.

Love birds finally in their nest: They are usually found in couples. They are keen to tell the world their story of love, determination and subsequently a long-battle-fought-with-their-conservative-parents. They are capable of narrating their fairy tale umpteenth times. They are so much in the clutches of their wedding event as very unwittingly everything in the present ceremony reminds them of their big day. And yeah how BETTER it was with this one.

You don’t need to put much effort to vanish from the scene. They are only interested in you till they are finished with their story of love, determination and subsequently a long-battle-fought-with-their-cruel-parents.

The family bullies: They are the ones which make you beg God to pardon murders. They are the ones who bring out the wrecking instincts in you. They are the ones who broke all your toys, beaten you, always make you to do fielding all day while playing cricket and all other types of oppression one can do in childhood.

They are mostly found in gangs. They have innate caliber of making fun of anything on/ about/related/belonging to you. No matter how sophisticated you look, they can coin very “interesting’ names for you in micro seconds.

They only good thing about the family bullies are that they can make suicide fancy for you.

And there are many other types. But the mentioned and reflected upon are the mainstream ones. At least it would give you a fine idea about the culture of wedding. So do you concur that it is wise for me not to attend the up coming one?

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